


I'm Sorry

by Effie_Destry



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 23:11:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17031732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Effie_Destry/pseuds/Effie_Destry
Summary: Felix needed someone to comfort him, to love him but he could never be honest with himself so instead he apologises.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> No clue what I've written, criticism is welcomed and kudos is highly appreciated. To anyone who actually reads it, thank you and sorry. It's not good.

Felix tried desperately to hold back his tears in front of everyone, he couldn’t cry, he just couldn’t especially not now.

But the words replayed in his head, over and over again telling him it was the end, reminding him that he couldn’t be with his team, he had lost his one and only chance.

He couldn’t get those words out of his head “I’m really sorry…this time you won’t be able to continue together”

Felix turned his back to the members the moment Park Jinyoung left the room. He didn’t dare look at them, he was slowly falling apart and he wouldn’t be able to hold it in for long. It was getting more and more difficult to breathe but then he felt a pair of arms grabbing on to him tightly almost as if they were worried that he’d disappear in that moment.

And that was all it took to break him.

He shut his eyes and held on tighter if that was possible. He cried but not for himself, he cried for them, his team, believing that this time he had truly let them down and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He no longer had a place he belonged.

His voice was barely a whisper and cracked when he spoke “I’m sorry….I’m really sorry” The words were repeated but the others were too shattered to even respond.

His cries drowned out his words but then he heard a voice getting closer and louder. At first he couldn’t hear what the person was trying to say but as it got louder it got clearer.

“Felix!”

He could hear the panic in the voice as the person shouted his name. He tried to respond but the tears wouldn’t stop.

“Felix!”

The voice was familiar.

“Felix, wake up, Felix!”

Changbin.

He was jolted awake by a pair of hands shaking his shoulders. His eyes were wide open from the shock, his mind took a couple of seconds to process the situation.

The warm, gentle hand brushing his hair away from his forehead told him he had been dreaming. Now that he was awake, he could feel the presence of others in the room, all attention was on him.

He looked up to gaze at the face hovering above him. It was Changbin, his face full of concern and something he couldn’t quite grasp.

He tried to open his mouth to speak when the room erupted with voices that were all too familiar and comforting, voices that reminded him that he was safe.

“What’s wrong Felix?”

“We’re all here for you”

“Why are you crying?” the voice was low, hushed and belonged to Changbin.

He hadn’t noticed but as he brought his hand to his face he realised his cheeks were wet. This had never happened to him before but that would explain why his members were here, he must have called out in his sleep, waking them up and that was the last thing he wanted.

“It’s okay…I’m okay” he reassured, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room, his usual deep voice had been replaced by a soft, fragile whisper. Felix looked up once again, making eye contact with Changbin, his face still mirrored the concern everyone was showing.

Although he didn’t want the attention, he did feel happy inside. They were tired, half-asleep and yet they were all here for him, that thought brought a smile to his face. In turn he heard collective sighs of relief around the room.

Chan was the first at his side, hugging him and then the rest joined in. All of them piling onto him whilst all he could do was silently protest that the bed barely had any room and he was going to be squished to death.

Changbin had moved away, instead attempting to pull the other members off him, and although Felix couldn’t see him he could hear him laugh.

“Honestly, you guys are going to kill him. Get off”

They reluctantly moved away. “Okay everyone out! Give him some space” Woojin declared whilst mouthing something at Changbin.

He had no clue what was going on but he was glad for the space, he needed some time before he could talk to them about what was bothering him. Plus, he must have woken them up and by the barely concealed yawns coming from Jisung and Hyunjin he knew it was late and they all needed to get back to sleep.

There was a loud chorus of ‘Okay’s as they made their way out of the room.

Felix turned his head to watch them leave. Woojin stood by the door with the softest smile Felix had ever seen directed at him.

“Felix, if you ever need to talk about anything we’re all here, please remember that for me?”

He nodded and returned the smile as Woojin left the room, dragging both Seungmin and Jeongin before they could even say anything who waved at Felix until they were out of the room.

Minho walked over to the bed and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“You worry too much Felix” He sighed, shaking his head then walked after Jisung and Hyunjin.

His attention fell on Chan, who remained silent and unsmiling.

“Seriously, I’m okay I am” His voice cracked as he said it but he felt a lot better then he sounded. He didn’t know if he could reassure Chan since he was always worrying about everyone and didn’t take it lightly when someone tried to hide something.

“You promise to talk to me later?” He was stood at the edge of the bed, arms crossed.

“You know I will” His voice didn’t crack this time but he hoped he appeared more confident and convincing.

Chan finally broke out into a tired smile.

He ruffled Felix’s hair before turning his back to him and walked towards the door with one last remark. “Felix, you know….it’s alright to cry. You don’t have to always hold it in, we’re here for you and we’ll always be. So please, won’t you rely on us more?”

And without waiting for a response Chan switched off the lights and shut the door behind him with a small “Good Night.”

Felix sighed. He loved the members, he really did and that was exactly why he didn’t want to burden them with his fears and doubts. He didn’t want to be weak, he didn’t want to show them a side of him he himself tried to hide.

But instead that was what they asked for.

They wanted him to be true to himself, to be able to talk to them and by trying to keep it all inside he was not only hurting himself he was hurting them. He didn’t understand what he was supposed to do.

On the bed something shifted beside him, disrupting him from his thoughts.

He froze.

He thought everyone had left but without turning to look he knew who it was.

“Felix”

He did his best to refrain from looking at him. Changbin was the one person he tried to hide from the most. His dream reminded him that he had let him down once and he couldn’t afford to do that again. They were supposed to be happy now, they had debuted, didn’t this mean they should leave the hardships in the past and move on? It was always harder to hide from Changbin than any of the other members, it was almost as if he knew when he was lying.

“Felix, look at me”

He knew the nightlight on his bedside table gave his expression away but he refused to look.

There was a sigh followed by a hand on his cheek forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.

Changbin’s voice was a whisper when he spoke again “What’s worrying you?”

He had that look again. It reminded Felix of his dream and suddenly it hurt to look at him.

”I’m…sorry” he didn’t know how to respond, he was scared of suddenly opening up and letting it all out. He wasn’t ready to face anyone, he wasn’t ready to face Changbin.

“I’m sorry I-”

He was cut off by a voice of disbelief and hurt “Why do you always apologise?”

“You think that’s what I want?” this time there was anger in Changbin’s voice making him shut his eyes.

There was a shift on the bed as Changbin got closer until Felix could feel his breath on his cheek.

It was barely a whisper and if he hadn’t been as close to him as he was right now he would have missed it.

“If anyone should be sorry then it should be me”

The words hit Felix like a bullet to his chest. Why was he apologising?

Before he could get the words out of his mouth Changbin wrapped his arms around him, almost too tightly. Felix’s face was now buried in his chest making it harder to see his face. The position made the hug uncomfortable but it also made him feel safe and secure.

Felix mumbled into his chest “Nothing is making sense any more”

“You were dreaming about the elimination, weren’t you?”

He held his breath.

“You cried out in your sleep but it was too familiar to mistake it as coincidence, you kept apologising to everyone and to me”

Changbin shifted his position so he was more comfortable, he was lying next to him just inches apart, arms still securely holding on.

“It reminded me of when you were gone, how much you meant to me and how it didn’t feel right to see you go. I couldn’t accept what had happened, none of us really could. I started to understand more about you. I knew you struggled with practice and also with your feelings, how you tried to hide them, playing it off as a joke. You always tried to hide things when you were really hurt but I told myself I couldn’t make things better”

“I made excuses, I lied to myself and then you started slipping away from me. When you were eliminated the pain came as a shock, I knew it was going to hurt regardless of which member might be taken away but then it was you and suddenly I didn’t know what to do I felt so useless. I couldn’t convince anyone that everything was going to be fine because it just hurt too much to face the reality. I pushed you away when you needed someone the most and that was my mistake”

“When I saw you cry I just knew in that moment I had lost you and there was nothing I could do to get you back but now I’ve been given another chance and I will never lose you again”

Felix was speechless.

It was a confession of guilt, hurt and love all in one. He had just poured his heart out to him and yet he was the opposite, this was what he had always been afraid of. The vulnerability of being so open to someone you cared about, taking the chance of having it all thrown back at you as if it meant nothing. And Changbin had taken that chance for him.

“I’m so sorry Felix, I know I don’t deserve to be given that chance and I’ll understand if you hate-”

“Please stop”

Felix sighed. They could be going in circles all night if they continued like this and as much as this was important, he needed to get his point across before Changbin started apologising again.

Felix shuffled closer to Changbin, if that was possible and placed his hand on his cheek, it was now or never.

Felix leaned over and placed the lightest kiss on his cheek and then the other one.

Changbin’s eyes had widened in surprise, well he hoped that worked and he got the message. Otherwise he might have just messed up.

Changbin didn’t move away which made him more confident. Felix leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against Changbin’s, at first he got no reaction and then he felt him respond.

Changbin’s arms were around his waist, pulling him against him. Felix moved away first to look at Changbin. He looked at Felix with that unreadable expression making his face heat up.

He grabbed the covers and pulled them over his head earning him a soft chuckle.

“What? You’re hiding now? you started it, take some responsibility”

He didn’t know how to face Changbin sometimes, one moment he could be nervous and the next overflowing with confidence. He just didn’t get it.

A small gasp escaped his lips when he felt the arms around his waist tighten.

“I’m not letting you go until you answer me”

Felix had doomed himself, he should’ve just pretended to be asleep. But no he had to go ahead and kiss Changbin, way to go Felix, way to go.

“I like you Felix”

“I like you, only you”

He could feel his heart beat uncontrollably.

“I like you too” he murmured in what he hoped was a whisper.

“I can’t hear you from under the covers, could you repeat that?”

He could hear the smile in his voice, he had definitely heard him.

Felix hesitantly pulled the covers away, yawning in the process “Can we sleep please? I don’t think I can stay awake any longer”

He was hoping Changbin wouldn’t argue with that, they could talk in the morning, they would have plenty of time. Felix had opened up a bit thanks to Changbin and for the first time he had been a lot more honest, it hadn't felt so forced instead it felt good and for now that was all that mattered to him. It was his first step. 

“Fine” Changbin sounded defeated but complied and reached over to switch off the nightlight.

Felix pulled him closer burying his face in his chest.

“Good Night”

As the moments passed, Felix waited in the dark praying that Changbin was asleep. He opened his eyes to find Changbin fast asleep.

Changbin must have been tired yet he had stayed awake, out of worry for him.

He cupped Changbin’s face, gently brushing his hair away and pressed his lips to his forehead.

“I like you too Changbin, I always have”

As Felix began to fall asleep, his tiredness finally catching up to him, he felt the arms around him squeeze followed by a sigh of contentment which put a smile on his face as he finally closed his eyes to sleep. 


End file.
